The following is a journal entry I wrote this summer while I was flying across the Pacific Ocean heading to Hong Kong. It reflects well the mental state I was in before my epithanic experience in China. I know this ain't the same run-of-the-mill Mark poetry, but for those who know me, I thought this internal dialogue prose / journal entry would be nice to share with you. But I promise more poetry soon. If only I could be more depressed and be able to focus without having her in my head so much ... I'm just kidding. No really, more poetry soon. I promise.


The only thing wrong with me is that I believe something is wrong with me.

Do I need to travel across the world in order to find myself? Am I not already here, in myself? What is it that I feel is missing in me?

Perhaps nothing is missing but the belief that nothing is missing.

I do have tendency to make things harder for myself. Is it easier to cry when you imagine it being heard? Yes.

For your own sake, Mark Kwong Leung, stop thinking about everything and just be. Just exist, and you will find a reason to. You got to let go. I've said it before, and you've heard it before. Let go of yourself and you'll find yourself ... with what you've always had ... what you've always needed all along ... just yourself.

Just myself? Just myself? Is that not one of the most depressing concepts/ideas in all existence? To be truly alone? Always and inescapably alone?

You need to differentiate between what you're looking for. Is it yourself (or a part of yourself) or someone who can make you feel (more) whole? One you have a significant control over (or at least, that what I'm trying to convince you of), and the other, you have less influence on. However, the two are interrelated. What you need to focus on is the former and stop thinking that the latter is essential to the former. In fact, it's probably the other way around. You have to find yourself on a (more) solid place before you can better meet someone. Don't you see? Be at peace with yourself, and things will fall into place.

Hah! You have merely introduced the "chicken and egg" problem. What reason do I have to be happy/content with who I am if no one else does?

Why do you need reasons dependent upon others for your own satisfaction with yourself? Are you saying that if you were the only person in the world, you would have no reason to be happy with yourself? No, there is no necessary condition requiring the interests of others to be in your favour in order for you to be happy with yourself. Sure, the interests of others help, but by no means should one be dependent upon such an external opinion. It's not healthy. And besides, why do you believe that no one likes you? You have tons of people who enjoy your company, who think you're a wonderful person. Again you need to make a distinction as to what kind of opinions you somehow find significant for self-worth. I think you have attached to this value certain qualities, like physical appearance, social skills, attractive friends, etc. More specifically, you seem to be really concerned with certain features of attraction as a yardstick for self-worth. BUT WHY? Not only are features of attraction different for different people (i.e. it probably varies more than you know), but also you have many good traits that you seem to underplay, such as intelligence, wit, humour, loyalty, ethics, principles, friendliness, being athletic, healthy, interesting, creative, original, honest, good at communicating, etc. Some of these traits you don’t give yourself enough credit for. A vicious circle is what you’ve put yourself in, as you previously have mentioned. But this circular trap is artificial, it lacks substantial structuring. As you can see, a lot of how you feel is exaggerated and unfounded. You need to have more faith in yourself. How did you come to question yourself so much?

Robin? When I lost her, I lost more than just her. To this day, I think, I wonder if we separated because I wasn’t good enough for her to stay with me. I mean, if only I was a good enough boyfriend, would she have stayed with me? Would I not have lost her? If only I was a better person … if only I was something more than what I was … maybe I would never have lost her. Maybe that’s where all this comes from. Maybe I’ve never been able to forgive myself for losing her …

But it wasn’t your fault. You must know that. You did your best … you both did. But she had to follow her own calling … like you had to as well. You may think that if only you spent more time with her, if only she was able to fall in love with you just a little bit more …

… if only, if only …

… if only she would have decided to stay … or not end the relationship … But we both know that you can’t be blamed for something like that. More importantly, it was a decision that both of you made … it was bad timing. It was bad timing. So forgive yourself if you need, but you shouldn’t feel that you are to blame. Or that you failed in some respect. Think of her, Mark … think of her, and the wonderful time you two spent with each other … she would not have wanted you like this … if not for yourself, think about making her proud of who you are … who you can be.

I know you feel weak … I know it hurts … it hurts a lot … but let go. Like you did when you first fell in love with Robin, let go. Let go. But this time, let go of the pain, the hurt … the regret? The questions? The truth? The truth … let it go, please … just let it go, for the both of us. I know you’ve got potential kid. It’s time you stop being afraid of letting go of what was once before. The future ain’t so bad. They say the sun still comes out in the morning. So close your eyes. Breathe out. And wake to the sun. But this time, with new eyes.

Let go, and wake.

Mark Leung
July 8th, 2005